Mmm. Chocolate :)

So, if you read Suburban Cloth, then you know how much I love giveaways. And this one is too good to ignore, but it doesn't really belong over on SC. So - if you want to win CHOCOLATE from Celebrate Life , head over to Two Of A Kind and enter her giveaway!!!

#12 - I know...

I know you are all (all 7 of you!) dying to read updates about my daily life. I will be sure to feed your insane curiosity in the next week, I promise. Many things are changing and L. is growing so fast. He's turning into an even more beautiful child.. I didn't think that was possible!

But I want to share with you all the link to my other blog. We have recently made the transition to cloth diapers and I am trying to make our lifestyle a lot cleaner and healthier - both for us and for the rest of the world and future generations. I want L. to grow up with an appreciation for the limited resources available to us, and I don't want him to feel he has to depend on technology and shortcuts to be successful. 

I'd appreciate it if you all would check it out here, Suburban Cloth.

#11 - It's been a while.

It most certainly has.

I'm so bad at keeping this blog updated, but I'm working on it!

Liam is now about 4.5 months old... I honestly am amazed at how much time has passed. He's gone from huge monster baby to itty bitty peanut. At his 4 month check up he was 24.5 inches long and 12 lbs 6 oz! He's "tall" but TINY! 

He is rolling all over the place and scooting forward. Wherever he wants to go - he gets there.

He CAN laugh... but he doesn't. He has a very selective sense of humor. It's like pulling teeth to get him to laugh. I hear it maybe once every week. Usually less than that. But he's a smiler! He smiles at everything and everyone.

Unfortunately, he's got quite a bit of separation anxiety. He knows his mama and he knows he doesn't want to leave her ever... oops! That's what I get ;p

I don't mind being wiht him 24/7,  I just worry for when I go back to school in a couple of months. Oh well. We will manage. He'll either get used to being babysat or not. :)

Here's a rather dark but adorable video of him being tickled and laughing away, several weeks ago... it's been a long time since I've heard this little laugh ;p

#10 - Frustrations.

I haven't updated here in forever. 

Liam is 11 weeks old today... I can't believe he's almost 3 months! He's getting so big... he has learned to smile, and he does it SO much. I love it. He will be staring at me with his typical grumpy face and he'll just bust out in this big, beautiful grin. 

S. is now working two jobs. I feel bad about that since I'm not working, and I know he's just doing this for me and L... but I have been focusing on school. And I don't have *time* to work unless we put Liam in daycare, which neither of us are willing to do. i will say though, I am tired of school. I am tired of having to be away from my little boy - even if it's only 3 or less hours a day. Stuart offered me a "break" today. He said, stay at school all day and he would bring Liam to his parents' house. But I wouldn't do it... I just wanted to be near my kid as much as possible.

I don't know if I wrote about PPD here before or not. My OB has tried to put me on Zoloft but I decided to hold off. She says it's safe for breastfeeding but I did not want anything extra possibly getting into my son. But I might take her up on it soon... I'm beginning to feel a little less "human" these days.  This morning I woke up, convinced that something terrible had happened to L. I looked over at him and didn't see his chest moving. I put my hand on his chest to feel him breathing. Nothing. I jiggled him a little bit to see if he'd breathe/move. NOTHING. I reached over and shook Stuart to wake him up. He saw me leaned over Liam visibly upset, jiggling him and he jumped up scared. Liam just opened his eyes and looked at the two of us like we were crazy.

I'm seriously losing it!

Besides all that, I don't know. Nothing really happens in my life. I go to school, I take care of Liam, I fight on the internet with catty bitches? That is all...

#9 - Diaper Giveaway

Win a free Bumgenius 3.0 Diaper! This is a valuable All-In-One cloth diaper that you can use for yourself or give as a gift to someone expecting a baby! Go check out Hot Belly Mama's Blog for details on how to win this wonderful All In One Cloth Diaper. Hot Belly Mama will announce the winner on March 30th, after her 30th birthday! 

Here is the direct link to her blog:

http://hotbellymama.blogspot.com/

Good luck!

#8 - I've Made It.

Today was S. & my 1 year anniversary. It doesn't seem like very long, especially when you throw into the mix that we have an almost-one month old son. It's crazy how fast things happened between us.

But, it's refreshing to sit back and think about our relationship and realize how truly blessed I am - we are. One full year without a single fight. One full year with nothing but love and affection for each other. One full year of pure happiness. 

When I was with my ex, I thought it was "real"... I thought it was "forever". Granted, I was 15 when we got together and "fell in love". 3 years together, and I never thought I'd get over him. But, we had our first huge fight right off the bat. And we spent the next 3 years in a demented power struggle with each other. And now, I can't even believe I wasted my time. There used to be a time when I couldn't go a day without thinking about him. Now, he rarely crosses my mind. We're still friends, but in a "grown up" way.. ha.

Anyway, the point is, I thought I knew "love". But it didn't even hold a candle to this past year. I've never experience this kind of overwhelming feeling for ANYONE. 

And the best part is this:

For the first time in my life, I KNOW that I am loved. There's no guessing game with us, no distrust, no wondering... I never have to ask myself if I'm SURE he feels the same way. I never have to question his feelings. 

Even now, with me being 60 lbs heavier than I was when we started dating a year ago, with my c-section scar and the flab that droops over it, my too-long messy hair, and the fact that I rarely wear make up, or get dressed up (or even have any clothes that fit me properly) - he still looks at me as if I am a jewel. He still says "I love you" with that same tenderness that makes me melt inside.

So, Happy Anniversary to S. and I. I am truly blessed.

Besides that, L. will be 4 weeks old on Tuesday. We've hit some speedbumps - he still does not eat well (he nurses for over an hour at a time! Tonight it was 2 and he was still hungry!)... I think it's partially my fault. My milk supply is low. He fusses and screams and cries often, out of pain. He has reflux which makes him hurt... and he won't sleep on hisback anymore. Sometimes I feel I can't handle it - I just want to pull my hair out and scream. But I'm getting through. 

Besides all that, he's an angel. He's absolutely beautiful. I've never met a more perfect soul. I love him.

#7: Regaining Sanity.

He's 2 weeks old, and I'm finally getting the hang of this.

Breast feeding is not getting much better though... For some reason, pumping just DOES NOT work for me, even when my breasts hurt so bad they feel like they are going to explode... and the kiddo is just peacefully sleeping, impossible to awaken. I can't wait until I get the good pump. It will be in a couple of weeks, but eh, better late than never. Hopefully it will work. The Playtex Embrace I had was too small for my nips, haha. I am now using a cheap Lansinoh manual pump... it works okay, but like I said, it's nearly impossible to get anything out of me ;/... 

Liam had his first outing yesterday with me and my sister... he went with us to Dinner & Devotional. Everyone enjoyed him being there. There were two young twin boys there that I really just... couldn't stand. They were sweet, cute, blah blah.. about 3 or 4 years old... but they just didn't understand the limits with babies. Especially my new, sweet, untouched 2 week old baby! I had him in his carseat the whole time because he was sleeping, and I sat on the floor with it next to me. One of the twins came up and some point and ripped his hat off and walked away... it was COLD! My poor baby. The other one crumpled up some toilet paper and dropped it on the baby and then walked away, while we were all in prayer. I have to admit, it was hilarious, and everyone who saw it suppressed laughs. But still.. wtf? And don't even get me started on when I literally had to tackle on of the twins to stop him from stepping on my baby!!!

I cannot wait until Liam is old enough to participate in the youth group. I don't want to raise him in a particular religion, but I think that allowing him to be apart of the BaHa'i Faith will give him a greater understanding on religious / worldly unity. I want him to be able to make his own choices. I guess I should look into taking him to a Christian church as well... when he's a little older. I'm glad I have a few years to get all this sorted out, because I'm not sure the kind of approach I want to take. I guess it's hard for a kid having an atheist for a father and an agnostic theist for a mother, a BaHa'i for an aunt, and a Mormon grandmother (as well as most of his great-aunts/uncles, 2nd cousins, etc) ... The only religion in his family I don't really want him exposed to is Mormonism.. at least not until he is much, much older. I just want him to learn to be open-minded, loving, and accepting towards everyone.

Maybe he can do a better job at being a good, non-judgmental neighbor than his mommy.

Anyway... I'm not sure why I wrote all this. Just something I've been thinking of.

Oh, and a side note: I think going to devotional the whole time I was pregnant paid off. He slept like a baby (lol) through the congas and the singing.... In fact, he seemed extra calm during our worship...

#6: Train Wreck.

So my son is 10...eer, 11 days old now. 

He's beautiful. His funny little faces brighten up my entire day. I have gotten past most of the emotional ... psycho-ness I was having, but hormones are crazy. 

I return to college in 2 days. I'm excited to feel human again - sitting in this apartment 24/7 is killing me.

I am having a hard time breastfeeding though. I half want to give up. 

OK, he's asleep. I will elaborate next post.

#5: A weeklong nightmare.

So my child arrived six days ago.

I labored for 17 hours. I went the first 12 or so with NO pain medication. Then I finally broke and asked for something. It worked great at first... contractions still hurt but I was able to sleep between them. Then it wore off and even though they gave me more, it still didn't do much.

 When I got all the way to 9 cm, I broke and asked for an epidural. It was heaven in a needle, I swear. I'm proud of myself for trying to go natural but I'm super glad I got the epi. I was in so much pain. After the epidural, I couldn't feel anything. It bothered me not to be able to control my legs or anything, but I was glad. Soon I was completely dialated and 100% effaced, and the baby's head was at a +1 station. I did not feel the urge to push, so I assumed we would just be chilling until I did. But my doctor wanted me to push through contractions. I did this for 45 minutes. I strained, I groaned, I turned beet red. The baby didn't move. My doctor decided he wasn't going to. So I had to have a c-section. Good thing I had asked for the epidural.

I began labor at 6:30 AM Tuesday Jan 13. Liam Peter Hildebrandt was born via c-section at 11:52 PM that same day. He was facing sideways, which was why he wasn't progressing down my birth canal. 

I had a bad reaction to the anesthesia and shook violently the entire surgery and all through the night afterwards. I also got an infection during it and had a very high fever (104.something).. it took through the next night to get rid of it, and I was on IV antibiotics for days afterwards.

Breastfeeding was easy at first, but then Liam became a lazy nurser. My milk still hadn't come in and he was insatiable. I got no rest in the hospital because I was constantly trying to keep my little guy from going hungry. I was dedicated to breast feeding him. Not to mention he was jaundiced and it was very important that he get adequate fluids in order to keep his billiruben down. So feedings were rushed and strained and I felt so guilty that he wasn't eating enough. He lost over a pound. He was born at 8 lbs 7 oz and we left the hospital at 7 lbs 6 oz. The last night

 there, they kept him in the nursery all night, giving me some much needed rest, and they gave him formula all night. The next day, they showed me how to supplement him with formula during feedings.

We brought him home Saturday night with a billiblanket (phototherapy) for his jaundice. I

 cannot begin to tell you how difficult it has been. It's only been two days since we've been home and I feel like the worst mother in the world.

I'm having a little bit of trouble getting around because recovery from the c-section has been very slow. 

But... I'm pretty sure I'm possibly getting / have PPD, which makes me feel even worse about it. I cry constantly... Every time I look at my beautiful little man, I just burst out crying. I have been making my boyfriend come home from work at nights to help me take care of myself and the baby. The simplest things are difficult for me... changing a diaper is a nightmare. Burping him makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong... Breast feeding has been failing miserably. I've been pumping but not producing much. He hasn't been nursing well.. it's difficult to get him to

 latch on. Since yesterday I've just been making him bottles of formula.

Today is a little better. I haven't pumped in a while so I did, and I have almost 2 oz to give him at his next feeding. His jaundice levels are starting to level out, so the doctor said we can take him off the billiblanket tomorrow. 

I'm still feeling down though, and I hope it starts to get better. I'm thinking of having my mother come stay with me for a while - I'm supposed to start back at school in a week and I don't know how I'm going to do it.

I think I'm going to see a lactation consultant tomorrow to try to figure out the breastfeeding thing. I've figured out my nipples are too large for the pump I own, which is troublesome because I don't know how I'm going to pump and build up my supply without hurting myself.  Maybe I can rent a hospital pump until he is 4 weeks old (when I can get a Medela through

 WIC) 

I just wish things were easier. The only bright spot in my life right now is my little guy.. and I feel like I can't even enjoy my time with him because I'm too worried about my emotions. So I'll leave you with a picture of my beautiful little boy, at 5 days old:

#4: An end in sight.

I'm fighting the remnants of the flu right now, but I will make a lengthier post at a later time.

However, I just wanted to announce that we have a date set for the induction.

Monday, 1/12, I will be going into L&D at 5:30 PM to start Cervadil. Tuesday, 1/13, I will have my water broken and drugs administered early in the morning. So hopefully Liam Peter will be here in 5 days. :)

#3: So close but still so far.

So, Stu and I have moved into our own apartment. It's a nice 2 bedroom. Liam will have his own room. Everything is getting set up for his arrival.

I am now 37 weeks pregnant. Meaning there are 3 weeks left until his due date.

Except... he is already weighing 7 lbs, 9 oz. He's  a big boy. 

 The picture to the left is him Friday morning, the sonographer estimating his weight snapped a quick 3D of his face. Cute. He's a chunk ;p

Tuesday, I am possibly discussing induction with my doctor. She wants me to be successful in a vaginal birth and if he gets much larger, they might have to do a C-Section, which I would like to avoid at all costs. I don't think anyone really understands how important it is to me to NOT have a c-section.

I have so much more to say, but for right now, I can't. I just can't. I just wanted to come on here and mention that Liam will be here sooner than any of us realize. I can't wait.