#5: A weeklong nightmare.

So my child arrived six days ago.

I labored for 17 hours. I went the first 12 or so with NO pain medication. Then I finally broke and asked for something. It worked great at first... contractions still hurt but I was able to sleep between them. Then it wore off and even though they gave me more, it still didn't do much.

 When I got all the way to 9 cm, I broke and asked for an epidural. It was heaven in a needle, I swear. I'm proud of myself for trying to go natural but I'm super glad I got the epi. I was in so much pain. After the epidural, I couldn't feel anything. It bothered me not to be able to control my legs or anything, but I was glad. Soon I was completely dialated and 100% effaced, and the baby's head was at a +1 station. I did not feel the urge to push, so I assumed we would just be chilling until I did. But my doctor wanted me to push through contractions. I did this for 45 minutes. I strained, I groaned, I turned beet red. The baby didn't move. My doctor decided he wasn't going to. So I had to have a c-section. Good thing I had asked for the epidural.

I began labor at 6:30 AM Tuesday Jan 13. Liam Peter Hildebrandt was born via c-section at 11:52 PM that same day. He was facing sideways, which was why he wasn't progressing down my birth canal. 

I had a bad reaction to the anesthesia and shook violently the entire surgery and all through the night afterwards. I also got an infection during it and had a very high fever (104.something).. it took through the next night to get rid of it, and I was on IV antibiotics for days afterwards.

Breastfeeding was easy at first, but then Liam became a lazy nurser. My milk still hadn't come in and he was insatiable. I got no rest in the hospital because I was constantly trying to keep my little guy from going hungry. I was dedicated to breast feeding him. Not to mention he was jaundiced and it was very important that he get adequate fluids in order to keep his billiruben down. So feedings were rushed and strained and I felt so guilty that he wasn't eating enough. He lost over a pound. He was born at 8 lbs 7 oz and we left the hospital at 7 lbs 6 oz. The last night

 there, they kept him in the nursery all night, giving me some much needed rest, and they gave him formula all night. The next day, they showed me how to supplement him with formula during feedings.

We brought him home Saturday night with a billiblanket (phototherapy) for his jaundice. I

 cannot begin to tell you how difficult it has been. It's only been two days since we've been home and I feel like the worst mother in the world.

I'm having a little bit of trouble getting around because recovery from the c-section has been very slow. 

But... I'm pretty sure I'm possibly getting / have PPD, which makes me feel even worse about it. I cry constantly... Every time I look at my beautiful little man, I just burst out crying. I have been making my boyfriend come home from work at nights to help me take care of myself and the baby. The simplest things are difficult for me... changing a diaper is a nightmare. Burping him makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong... Breast feeding has been failing miserably. I've been pumping but not producing much. He hasn't been nursing well.. it's difficult to get him to

 latch on. Since yesterday I've just been making him bottles of formula.

Today is a little better. I haven't pumped in a while so I did, and I have almost 2 oz to give him at his next feeding. His jaundice levels are starting to level out, so the doctor said we can take him off the billiblanket tomorrow. 

I'm still feeling down though, and I hope it starts to get better. I'm thinking of having my mother come stay with me for a while - I'm supposed to start back at school in a week and I don't know how I'm going to do it.

I think I'm going to see a lactation consultant tomorrow to try to figure out the breastfeeding thing. I've figured out my nipples are too large for the pump I own, which is troublesome because I don't know how I'm going to pump and build up my supply without hurting myself.  Maybe I can rent a hospital pump until he is 4 weeks old (when I can get a Medela through

 WIC) 

I just wish things were easier. The only bright spot in my life right now is my little guy.. and I feel like I can't even enjoy my time with him because I'm too worried about my emotions. So I'll leave you with a picture of my beautiful little boy, at 5 days old: