#2: Where are we now?

So my last post took you back to my fourth week of pregnancy and described how I discovered I was pregnant and how my boyfriend and I handled the news.  A few key details I should have added there:

*Stuart and I have only been together since February 8th, 2008. So we had been dating for 3 months when I found out I was 1 month pregnant. Not an ideal situation. 

*My mother and I were not speaking at the time. We had gotten into a fight in April, most likely about me moving in with Stuart for the summer. I don't remember, to be honest. W

e hadn't seen each other since my Spring Break in March.

*I had just finished my first year in college... so I still had 3 years left (2.5 at this point in time). 

So now, 30 weeks have passed. This coming Sunday I will be 34 weeks pregnant. What has happened in that time?

Well.. to be honest, I couldn't really tell you. It's been a blur. I've had a difficult pregnancy, however. A bout with pre-term labor, lots of little scares (apparently bleeding is normal for me during pregnancy, as it has not indicated any problems), lots of hospital visits that were completely uneccesary. 

We found out at 18 weeks that we are having a little boy. We decided on a name pretty easily: Liam Peter. He will be taking Stuart's last name. 

Now, I'm more eager than ever to get this little boy out! I don't want to rush him (yes I do) but I want him to come as soon as he's healthy and ready... I can't stand being pregnant anymore. I have lost all my self-esteem.

This is where I was:

This is where I have ended up:

So yeah... obviously my life will never be the same. My body will never be what it once was. I will never have the freedom to party or just have "fun" like college students are supposed to do. I will have a baby to take care of. If I ever want a flat stomach again, it will take a LOT of working out... Guess it's good my college has a free gym, huh? Eh. The stretch marks will fade, but they'll always be... there. 

Oh well. I guess it will all be worth it when I'm holding my little boy in my arms.

All day long, I day dream about what it's going to be like. What will Liam look like? Will he have my eyes? His father's smile? What color hair will he have? Will he laugh a lot? Will he be a super strong-willed aggressive little guy, like everyone else in my family? Or will he be timid and reserved like Stuart's family? Will he be tiny and fragile? Or will he be 11 lbs and chunky? 

Every little kick, bump, roll, twitch, shudder, or hiccup just sends my mind wandering... This little boy has taken over me. I never knew how strong a mother's love could be even before birth. It's intoxicating, just knowing that there's this little person inside of you... That he started as a microscopic cell and grew into a little bean and eventually a mini man. I have images of tiny fingers curled around my thumb. Of a sleepy smile on a napping baby's face. 

Okay, this post has gotten de-railed. My next post I'll talk about some of the parenting choices we have made, and what we have been faced with in making these decisions.

#1... Taking You Back: The Birthday I Will Never Forget.

May 18th, 2008 was my 19th birthday.

I was living with my boyfriend, Stuart, in his 3 bedroom apartment, along with 2 male roommates. I decided I was going to have a huge party - everyone I knew in Columbia was invited. There was plenty of food, alcohol, and fun to go around. I was a heavy drinker at the time and rarely a weekend passed without a bottle (or shotglass) in my hand. I noticed an odd occurance - though I was not drinking as much as I normally do, I was getting drunk. Fast. I was emotional and irrational. By the end of the night, I just felt... not like myself. I ended up fighting with my boyfriend and struggling against the urge to vomit. I fell asleep before everyone else at my own party. 

May 18th, 2008, I missed my period. I didn't think too much about it - I was just grateful that I didn't have to deal with it on my birthday. But the next morning my "friend" still hadn't arrived. I started to get worried, but figured I was psyching myself out. One of my best friends, Aeron, had made the 3 hour drive from my hometown, Myrtle Beach, to be with me on my birthday. So the following morning, Monday, May 19th, Aeron and I went to lunch. As we were leaving Rush's, I asked if we could stop at Rite-Aid. I wanted to get a pregnancy test just to be sure. I hated the guessing game that comes every month that my period is so much as an hour late. I have a slight case of pregnancy paranoia.

We pick up a digital, drive home. I tell the guys (Stu and Aeron) that I'm jumping in the shower to get ready for work. Curiosity overwhelms me, however, and I go ahead and pee on a stick before getting in the shower. Not even a minute later, you all know what showed up:

The telltale "Pregnant".

I wait patiently for the word "Not" to appear in front of it. 2 minutes... 3 minutes... 4 minutes... 5 minutes... finally I swallow the huge lump in my throat and peek my head out the door, totally intending on calling my boyfriend in.

"Umm... Aeron, come here for a second." Whoops! So, I show my best friend the result.. his response? "Shit dude." I lecture him to NOT SAY A WORD OR I WILL KILL YOU I SWEAR IT and then get in the shower, throw away the test, and pretend it never happened. At work that night, I'm FREAKING OUT trying to figure out how to tell Stu. 

I ended up just leaving the empty box on top of the trash and waiting for him to see it. The next night, he comes home from work and says "So uhh.. did you take a pregnancy test or something?"

"Yep. Just in case."

"Oh... So are you?"

"Yep."

"Oh." He then sits down at his computer. A few seconds later it seems to hit him: "WHAT!?"

I can barely talk about it. I'm still in shock. All he wants to do for the next few days is "discuss our options"... In my mind, I have no options. I can't give a kid up for adoption, especially after 9 months of hell just to bring him/her into this world. I'm not against abortion - but I just can't do it. Well, not again, anyway. Rewind to one year prior: Made a mistake with on-again-off-again boyfriend of 3 years. He was "the One" right? Wrong. The second THAT test came up positive, it was like stepping into a nightmare. My mother turned on me, my boyfriend turned on me, my friends turned on me. Everyone was throwing abortion at me as my "only" option. His friends constantly reminded me that I was ruining his life. Nobody gave a damn about my own. After a long drawn out 4 weeks, I did get the abortion. It was terrible and I still get a case of the "what ifs" ... but in a way, I'm glad I"m not chained to that man for the rest of my life. Even though we are civil and friendly now and I don't think he's a bad person now... he's just not the right one for me.

This time, I think I've found "the right one"... but we'll never know until forever comes, I guess. But for now, it's perfect.

When I finally confessed to Stuart that I can never have another abortion, and that I simply can't give my child up for adoption, reality hit him as hard as it was hitting me. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "Christine... I want to do whatever you want to do. Make your decision and I will be behind you." I told him that we were having a child. He told me he wanted to marry me. It wasn't exactly how I pictured a proposal, but hey, his heart was in the right place.  Today, we are not married, or even engaged. We want to do things the right way.

So on May 18th, 2008, I was 19 years old and 4 weeks pregnant.  That week, my life changed forever.